The following trailer is rated 'S' for 'Spoilers'.
In a cinematic universe known for it's huge casts,
CGI,
an X-Men movie will rise above it's peers,
F*ck that! We're doing our own thing!
Wow! They didn't put X-Men or Wolverine in the title.
You're getting some big cojones these days Fox,
where the last surviving X-Men have been screwed out of their comic book royalties,
"You gotta be f*cking kidding me!"
and ride along with Wolverine,
now he's one of those Uber drivers you cancel,
because it looks like he's going to murder you.
Hugh Jackman returns in his ninth go at the character,
and the man who took on Sabertooth, Magneto and Silver Samurai
is fighting all new villains like:
"You can't read the label on that bottle."
"I was thinking of shooting myself."
And if you think that's depressing,
Professor X is even older and sadder than he is.
"The new quesalupa from Taco Bell."
I guess it's rated R for... realization,
[ Honest Trailer singing the X-Men Theme Song with a sad voice ]
Everything will change, when Logan meets his cloned daughter Laura,
A miniature version of Wolverine,
[Laura/X-23 speaking in Spanish ]
Together, Logan and Charles will drive her to the lost boys clubhouse in North Dakota,
Wait, I thought all X-Men movies had to cram in in the Phoenix saga
or time travel to recast someone.
I mean, whose side is Mystique even on in this movie?
They don't even bust through a fence after someone says: "hold on!".
"Hold on!"
The mutants of the United States had been wiped out by corn or something.
Now, thrill as the last remaining Mexican ones are hunted across America,
by a man, named Donald. *ahem*
A cyborg doing his best impression of Val Kilmer in Tombstone.
"I'm looking for someone, who's looking for you."
"I'm your huckleberry."
Learn about his evil plan from Laura's guardian,
A nurse and the best cellphone documentary maker EVER.
"They have never seen the sun or the ocean..."
There's like, fifty different shots in this thing.
I mean, check out that audio quality.
What'd she do? Read a voiceover booth?
"They could not to be controlled."
Who's even holding the camera?
Man, iMovie must be sick in the future!
So enjoy Hugh Jackman's final performance(?) As Wolverine,
That makes the last seventeen years of X-Men movies look meh by comparison,
and even pays off the prophecy from The Wolverine.
"You were holding your own heart in your hand."
See....
cause Laura's..... holding his hand.
And she's his heart.... y'know?
[ Crying ]
Damn! This movie is hard to make fun of.
Let's see here, Michael Bolton uhhh, Mr. Plinkett..
[ Dialing ]
-Yello!
-I have you saved as "Fat Betsy, don't pick up".
HT: So, we're live right now in the middle of out 200th honest trailer for Logan,
Hoping we could call you for something edgy or mean to say? Hmmmm?
- Are you high? I'm not gonna sh*t on Logan.
- That film is a f*cking masterpiece. And Jackman doesn't get an Oscar nom,
- I'm setting every VHS copy of Crash on fire!
HT: You're not threatened by another R rated super hero movie?
Where the hero lives with a senior?
Has a kickass girl sidekick? Huh?
- You're not gonna bait me into this!
- I do the baiting around here, mister!
- I do not endorse this weak attempt to take down the Jack Man,
- It's not my fault Youtube keeps unsubscribing people without telling them.
- But I do endorse James Mangle to make old man Deadpool in 2038.
- Oh man! How good would that be?
- Just 90 minutes of Cable and I, changing each others'... space diapers.
HT: That's sounds... terrible.
- And what would you know, Fat Betsy?
- this is exactly why I don't take your calls anymore.
HT: Oh wait! Please let me be in Deadpool 2- [ End Call ] Awww!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ahhh.... Fox would like a like a word with you.
Thanks to special guest Ryan Reynolds,
and thanks for your support for getting us to 200 trailers.
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"You're beautiful... on the inside."
"Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?"
"the coldest blood runs through my veins. You know my name" R.I.P
"The Transformers and Twilight Franchises are the best Movie Franchises made in history, like ever"
"The Krusty Crab Pizza is the pizza for you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"