can't...
seem...
Comes the reboot no one wanted
that ended up being really fun?
And something I wouldn't mind seeing more of?
Now, the reboot is tossing out the setting,
and pretty much everything except the name.
"JUMANJI!"
But since I swore a blood oath to see every movie The Rock makes,
who are all unique in a Breakfast Clubby kinda way.
Watch them learn self-confidence and compassion,
thanks to an action-packed day in detention,
"You must be a bully of detention."
Thrill as each teen is Jumanji'd into an avatar that represents their character arc,
the weirdo who needs confidence,
and the popular girl who needs to learn...
"Oh my God, these things are crazy!"
but you'll laugh as all the actors get to play against their usual type.
"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
"I like can't even with this place."
"I don't have the top 2 feet of my body!"
Kevin Hart always Kevin Harts.
"Help!
"AAAHHH!!"
"AH!"
the board game that literally rebooted itself for a new generation
that's sort of a riff on the tropes of video games,
except when it drops the pretense to be a normal adventure movie again.
Wait, why are the NPCs talking to each o-
Uh, yeah, you know what? Never mind.
But it still does a good job at poking fun at female heroes designed by dudes,
"Why am I wearing this outfit in a jungle?"
"Dr. Bravestone, Jumanji needs you!"
"Jumanji needs him." "Jumanji needs you!"
and multiple violent deaths that never seem to faze the characters.
"Rose!"
You know, if Mario was real, he'd never stop screaming.
Jack Black finally returns to the jungle,
"Just last night, I was lost in the jungle with Pitfall Harry surrounded my man-eating crocodiles!"
while The Rock just can't get enough
in the third chapter of his secret jungle quadrilogy
that's a pure celebration of his Rock appeal
as Dwayne Johnson spends an entire movie discovering the joys...
"Jesus, would you look at the size of that thing?"
realizing he has no weaknesses,
"None?"
or the effect he has on large bearded men,
"Damn, that is a man right there."
you'll totally buy into the hype that's going to make him the second least qualified president someday.
So gear up for a flick that surprised everyone at the box office,
paid proper respect to the original,
"This is Alan Parish's house. I'm just living in it."
and reminded every studio that when most of your reboots,
and video game movies are terrible,
we'll slob all over you just for showing basic competence.
"Cake?"
"They're huge, white, scary, and stupid and they eat people."
Good news, Kev. We've got them on the ropes.
Hey, Screen Junkies, want to avoid more of your life?
Click the box on the left for our new show, Smash Hit, where we break down the career of Will Smith.
Or click the box on the right to see us play emoji games with John Cena.